America, America

I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of “we’re better than you and everyone should learn English.”

My flight was scheduled to leave PDX at 6:15am. I didn’t sleep the night before, and judging by the look of my fellow passengers, not many of them did either. If you haven’t heard, I’m going to France. PDX --> Atlanta -->Paris --> Bordeaux. Gross. I passed out near my gate. I meant to set the alarm on my cell phone but in my sleepy state I must have forgotten. I was suddenly awoken by a group of old women (all wearing matching red Christmas sweaters) who had decided to sit awkwardly close to me and squawk loudly about God knows what. I can’t complain too much. My human alarm coincided with the boarding of my flight. I jumped up, too quickly, before realizing that they hadn’t called my zone yet, but I sauntered over anyway. I walked by two women, late 40s, tan skin, platinum blonde hair. They were speaking colorful Spanish and gesticulating wildly. Apparently their zone had been called.

The flight attendant, whose lipstick was just a little too pink for 6:15 in the morning, smiled a forced smile and welcomed the passengers with a forced greeting. She spoke with a “Southern Bell” accent, which would have been charming if I thought that under her cold, painted exterior there was a kind person. That may sound harsh but my suspicions were confirmed when the Spanish women reached the front of the line. The flight attendant started freaking out because one of the Spanish women had a small bag, a purse, and a shopping bag. Oh my. Everyone knows that you’re allowed one carry on and one personal item. The Spanish women didn’t speak English and looked at each other, totally confused as to why they’d been singled out, while Lipstick Lucy continued to point awkwardly at the bags and speak louder and slower… because we all know that foreign people actually speak English, but only if you talk to them like they’re stupid. “Español?” the Spanish women said helplessly to Lipstick Lucy and to the people in line, but no one came forward to help.

The blonde with too many bag started emptying the contents of her shopping bag to reveal a porcelain Christmas tree she’d probably purchased in the airport. Lipstick Lucy waved her arms back and forth, “No, no, no.” The Spanish women looked at each other again, confused. “I don’t speak any Spanish,” the flight attendant said loudly and slowly. I’m pretty sure by that point that everyone within a 50 foot radius of Gate D9 was well aware of Lipstick Lucy’s lack of linguistic abilities. “You can take that bag and that bag and we’ll check this bag,” she said pointing and then grabbing at the woman’s suitcase. I was appalled and took a step toward the scene because even though I don’t speak Spanish, I could speak broken Spanish and try to communicate with these women, which is more than I could say for Lipstick Lucy.

Finally, some guy stepped forward and translated. The blonde with too many bags ended up just awkwardly stacking her purse on top of her shopping bag and they let her through. Which begs the question, why was she singled out at all? Her carry on was small and could have easily fit in the overhead compartment. Her purse and shopping bag would have fit under the seat in front of her. And in the end, after harassing these women for 10-15 minutes, the flight attendant just let them through anyway. I walked behind them into the airplane and helped them get their bags into the overhead compartment. I could tell they were both flustered and still a little confused about what had just happened. They smiled and thanked me in Spanish and English. I responded in Spanish and English and smiled back.

Have you ever noticed how when you come back from a foreign country the American customs people are really nice to Americans and complete jerks to all the foreign people? It’s generally assumed that if you don’t have a navy blue passport you must be a terrorist, a thief, or just plain stupid. I hate it.

We should just hang signs up: Welcome to United States of “we’re better than you and everyone should learn English.” Why bother translating it to any other language?